Twelve Days of Christmas

(B: Bob D: Doug C: Chorus)

B: OK, good day. This is our Christmas part of the album. You can play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there′s nothin' else to do.

D: Good day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn′t on this part.

B: Oh, I guarantee ya you'd be on. OK, so good day. This is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get.um... your true love for Christmas.

D: Look out the window!

B: Where? (chuckle) What are ya doin′?!?

D: Snow, hosehead!

B: Well, oh, it′s the Great White North, and it's snowing ′cause it's Christmastime. Hey, hoser!

D: What?

B: Here′s a quiz. (chuckle) Quiz for Doug...

D: OK, I have my "thinking toque" on.

B: Yeah, right. What are the "Twelve Days of Christmas"? 'Cause, figure it out, right? Christmas is when?

D: Um, the twenty-fifth...

B: Right. And, what′s the twenty-fourth... Christmas Eve, right? So.

D: That's two

B: That's two. And, then what′s after that? (pause) Boxing Day

D: Wrestling Day

B: Wrestl. get out!

D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.

B: That′s three. Then, what's after that? Nothin′!

D: New Year's!

B: Four and what′s...

D: New Year's Eve?

B: That′s five. Where do ya get twelve?

D: Uh, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there; that's four. So, that′s nine. And three other days which, I believe, are the "mystery" days.

(Music starts)

B: OK, this our Christmas song, just in case you don′t know what to get someone for Christmas.

D: There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don′t get stuck!

(Organ starts)

D: By the way, that's ME on the organ.

B: Oh, geez.

D: You start...

B: OK...

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

A beer.

D: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Two turtle-necks

B: And a beer.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Three French toast

D: Two turtle-necks

B: And a beer.

D: There should be more there, eh?

B: Where? Oh, go!

D: Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Four pounds of back-bacon

B: Three French toast

D: Two turtle-necks

B: And a beer.

D: ...in a tree. See, you need more.

B: Oh... fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Five golden toques,

D: Four pound of back-bacon

B: Three French toast

D: Two turtle necks

B: And a beer... where?

D: (with Bob) In a tree.

B: OK, on the sixth... oo, go!

D: .Christmas, my true love gave to me,

C: Six...

D: Six packs of Tuborg

B & C: Five golden toques

C: Four...

D: Four pounds of back-bacon

C: Three...

B: Three French toast

C: Two...

D: Two turtle-necks

C: And a beeeeeeeeer...

B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. OK.

B: On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Seven pack of smokes,

C: Nice gift!

D: Nice gift. Oh... six packs of Tuborg

B & C: Five golden toques.

C: Four...

D: Four pounds of back-bacon

C: Three...

B: Three French toast

C: Two...

D: Two turtle-necks

C: And a beeeeeeeeer...

B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. Keep forgetting.

D: Whew! This should just be the "Two Days of Christmas"; it′s too hard for us! Go, hoser.

B & D: On the eighth day of Christmas, may true love gave to me,

D: Eight comic books

(Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind)

B & D: Seven packs of smokes

Six pack of Tuborg

B: Five...

C: (catches up) Five golden toques

Four pounds of back-bacon

Three French toast

Two turtle-necks

ALL: And a beer...

B & D: On my tree.

B: Yeah, that beer is empty. OK, day, um...

C: TWELVE!

B: Twelve!

D: Good day, and welcome to day twelve.

(Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in)

ALL: Five golden toques

Four pounds of back-bacon,

Three French toast

Two turtle-necks

And a beer in a treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

D: Where'd you learn to do that?

B: Um, albums.

D: So, like, that′s our song. Merry Christmas...

B: Merry Christmas!

D: And good day!

B: Good day! Ha-happy New Year, too.

D: Shhh!

B: OK, you know what you left out?

D: What?

B: Donuts!

D: Oh, no!

B: I told you to get donuts. Either on the ninth day, or the tenth day or the eleventh day, but I want donuts!

D: OK, the song's over! Merry Christmas, everybody!

B: ...or, on the twelfth day, you could've got me a DOZEN donuts...

D: So,.go out to the stores and get some presents!

B: You could′ve gone down, to, like, the good donut shops where you buy a dozen, you get another one free, and then it′d be thirteen for the "Thirteen Days of Christmas"!

D: Next Christmas, you can get me a chain-saw!

B: Take off!

(As music fades)

D: Boy, that song was a beauty. It... it moved me.

B: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with "Stairway to Heaven".

D: What?